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i wake up at night and write my heart out for you praying one day i wont need these pills to be happy, ill only need you
for now this is a blood red romance dripping down the wall and maybe someone will stop it and bring it all back into place
i cant shake these feelings for you no matter how much you make me shake


you say "these will make you feel better i promise" when really all you were doing was taking advangtage of me at my worst
i hate what youve become "well im sorry but i cant go back, theres no looking back. this is who i am. give up or keep up"
im just scared "scared of what?"
what youre doing to yourself it isnt right
"you only live once. you gotta live it up" take it easy baby boy youre going too fast for 17. this isnt gonna work

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: imogen heap

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ok so i started goin out with jason on 3/6
so far so good
life was pretty fxed up for a while, i was really sick for a while and it went away for about 2-3 weeks but i got sick again and right now im doing...ok healthwise
hmm..well [girl] love of my life, aka kim, will not be returning home until july
i cant talk about it because her sister erica told me not to, so it doesnt get around and stuff, which is understandable. i miss her so much though. the day i found out she "wasnt gonna be home for a while" i cried during health class. then the next day i found out where she was and that i wont be seeing her until july and i cried even more. honestly, i have major attachment issues. especially with kim. so im took this whole situation like she was dead but shes not. shes coming back in like, 2 and a half months. so its all good, right?
im at kaylas house right now so im gonna go check my email and see if my grandma likes the idea of kayla goin to california with me this summer=]
i really hope she says yes
but before i go im gonna leave a basic overview of what i wrote:
"blahblahblah since noone will be there this summer, what with adrianna going to monterrey and my cousin&aunt moving to the virgin islands, i was thinking i could bring along my bestestestest friend ever, kayla, so i wont be alone and the trip will be more enjoyable, blahblahblah her mom will pay for the ticket and spending money, but i reassured kayla that she wouldnt have to pay for her food because food is necessary blahblahblah and ik we were planning on driving up to see aunt megan in oregon so we could just drop kayla off at the airport, let her fly home and you and could drive up to oregon blahblahblah kiss up, kiss up kiss up, blahblah blah, LOVE, HAILY"

Current Location: kaylas house
Current Mood: tired tired
Current Music: none=[

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a lot has happened since i last updated on this thing.
sooo yeah go to xanga!!!
uhh but yeahh so there's this kid
and his name is jason
and i really really like him
and last week kim told me he really liked me and he has for a while and wanted to go out with me and all this other s hit
so i started talking to him and he's such a cool kid. but he does have a really bad reputation cause of drugs&s hit but i figure, if he asks me out, i'm gonna make sure he cuts WAY down on drugs. but he has cleaned up a lot since like, november.
sooo that's a start, right?
yeah well i really wanna go out with him but i don't wanna ask him out and it's like, i don't even know. i'm sure if did ask, he'd say yes but it's like, i have this EXTREME fear of rejection, even if i know someone will say yes.
it's weird. so maybe kim will talk to him and tell him to ask me out so i don't have to. uummm...yeahhh not much else to really talk about right now except i have strep throat and it's a pain in the a ss.

Current Mood: sick sick
Current Music: fall out boy-bang the doldrums

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havent updated in a while. the details are in my xanga but basically i went out with tj, did sh it with him, then he broke up with me..but like, ok so we started goin out on wednesday and then on saturday we wanted him to get to the mall cz me and my friend were there and then yeahh...i could see him but that never happened and hes like "my sister wont give me a ride so i cant get there" so i called her a b itch. no big deal right?well she heard it and FLIPPED OUT. i mean, seriously, one person says one thing to you and you go completely overboard. im sure shes heard it before anyways..but whatever so then she was bi tching to their mom and she blurted out "and i think his girlfriend's 14 too" so then his mom got pis sed and then told him to break up with me and we were just talking online and all of a sudden hes like "hey we have to break up" so i started freakin out and whatever. so he called me so we could talk about it and he kept saying sorry and i kept saying it was ok and hes like "no haily, its not ok. it really isnt. this isnt fair, i really liked you and i really cared about you and rachel totally just fu.cked this up. im really sorry" and sh it like that. it made me feel like he really cared.
so then like, what?two days later he imed me saying sorry for everything and i asked if it was about rachel and he said no just breaking up in general, and i told him he shouldnt be sorry unless he wanted it to happen and he said he didnt know..so i got really concerned.
and then i called him and asked him about it and he said that he didnt know who he liked, or what he wanted to do relationship wise and i asked if he liked anyone else and he said no. so its like, then wtf is wrong?!
soo we were talking and he was saying sorry yet again and i got upset because like, for him to change his mind that fast is insane.
and i told tj "i cant help but feel like you lied to me"
his response:"haily;i never lied to you"
that was total bulls hit
i called kiley to talk to him and he said "yeah he lied to you and yeah he knows exactly what he wants. he does this all the time. rushes into things with a girl and then breaks up with them cz he realizes it wasnt meant for him"
and i had told tj i thought id be the one relationship he didnt totally fu.ck up and he was gonna be the relationship i stayed with and believed in and before we started going out i made him tell me he was absolutely positive he wanted it because of what id been told and he said yes and all he wanted was to be with me.
as shole
then there was a phone call that destoryed everything..(details in my xanga)
i dont feel like typing it again..
and basically this boy just lied his as s off and used me
i was talking to kiley (ive talked to him a lot through all this) and he told me tj had always said he would never be one of those guys who rushes into things, goes out with a girl, does shi t with her and then dumps her.
and how apparently he had just done that.
that feeling that took over me isnt descirbable.
it was just horrible. something i never wanted to ever feel.
ive been used before but not like this.
i dont think its healthy to be depressed and pi ssed at the same time.

Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: newport living-cute is what we aim for

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i just realized
that i dont really write happy entries.
considering im a happy little emo (the name ive been given by rory&nicole) ill try my hardest to write a nice happy entry later today.

Current Music: come close-saosin

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new favorite song. "finding home" by saosin
loverly lyrics i am in love with
"The world is coming to an end
It's just the way I see my face
And I can never believe
(Now I can see it)
Now I see where things are turning 'round
And I'd be lonely if you weren't so proud

I have seen so many loving faces
They turn back and leave with looks of regret
The road goes and I am finding home in it
The road goes and I am finding home in it

I saw him fly
He's never looked this way
I saw in his eyes
He's never coming down

I have seen so many loving faces
They turn back and leave with looks of regret
The road goes and I am finding home in it
The road goes and I am finding home in it
The road goes and I am finding home in it
(And now you're finally home)
And I am finding home
(And now we're finally home)
And I am finding home in it"

and i dont think ive ever been so free to be myself with anyone before you.

Current Mood: good good
Current Music: saosin

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lalala. im kinda bored.
oh hey, im goin out with tj now
i just dont know how im gonna tell my parents. i might lie a little about his age but i dunno, i gotta talk to him. im gonna see him today=] i dont know for how long but i am and thats all that matters. i told kiley i hated him mainly because i had noone to blame but myself. all of my best friends problems i feel like they stemmed from my influence on her. she cuts because of me. she only ever did other stupid sh it like throw her food up on purpose for only-god-knows-why. but i asked kiley what she had told him and he said her family was talking about weight and she got depressed and threw up.she told me its outta desperation. i think she looks fine. shes probably the most amazing girl ive ever met in my life. she means everything. i serioulsy love her. shes my best. i dont care if all my other friends get all "i thought i was your best friend" bit chy cause i dont care. its immature to want someone to pick and choose. all my friends mean so much to me and i care about them all but im especially concerned about this one. she has my sympathy because i know what shes gone through but sometimes i like, get sick of hearing the same sh it cause i just wanna make it all better even though i know i cant. all i can do is sit and listen and attempt to give advice. yesterday was depressing because i was so upset over her even though i couldnt really show it but yesterday morning i couldnt help but just sit there and basically sulk. it sounds pathetic and im ashamed in myself but i couldnt help it. today i was sitting in freakin BIOLOGY and almost broke down crying because i miss tj and i want everything with her to go good and all my family s hit. im sick of it. things are getting better though but today in sixth period just wasnt good at all. and my grades are slipping. i cant afford that. i really cant.
ive been so stressed and i just cant focus or apply myself. i really really really try but i just cant do it. i feel so stupid when i see my grades go down to c's.
it pis ses me off but whatever.
time to go see tj

Current Music: the emo song-hollywood undead

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ok do you all know animals are dying for the sake of false research? animal testing is cruel and not accurate.
"When PETA learned that POM was funding deadly experiments on animals, we immediately asked the company to meet with us to discuss accurate non-animal test methods such as human clinical trials. POM refused to abandon animal testing, instead preferring to continue conducting useless experiments that require researchers to torment and kill animals in laboratories.

Other companies, such as Naked Juice, Frutzzo, Old Orchard, and Lakewood, make delicious and healthy 100 percent pomegranate juice without harming a single animal—yet POM has paid experimenters to do the following:

1.Lock week-old mouse pups—whose mothers were fed pomegranate juice—in a chamber with almost no oxygen for 45 minutes in order to induce severe brain damage. The babies were decapitated, and their brains were removed for study.
2.Critically damage the arteries of rabbits in order to simulate erectile dysfunction—a bizarre attempt to suggest that drinking pomegranate juice might alleviate this ailment.
3.Induce heart disease (atherosclerosis) in mice who were fed POM—the mice were then killed and cut open to examine their hearts."

yeahhh those are facts and honestly, i personally think its wrong. i dont think innocent animals should be treated like that.

"Ask the experimenters why they experiment on animals, and the answer is: 'Because the animals are like us.' Ask the experimenters why it is morally okay to experiment on animals, and the answer is: 'Because the animals are not like us.' Animal experimentation rests on a logical contradiction." -Charles R. Magel

contradicting yourself isnt always the smartest thing to do people.

i'm not a total PETA like, freak or anything but i do think its wrong to test on animals and other cruelty like eating meat, or wearing fur or wool..


please check all three of those links to see what people are doing to animals.

"The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated."-Gandhi
america friggin sucks dude

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.

ok so this would be a shirt i want from this site..


front:"Rights movements never go away. They always get stronger."-Ingrid Newkirk
back:" Right now animals are being beaten in a circus, burned and poisoned in a lab, shocked at a cattle auction, electrocuted on a fur farm,starved in an egg factory, suffocated on a fishing line,caged for life in a zoo, and otherwise denied all that is natural to them. Animal Rights Now."

ok so i understand people still have to kill animals to eat them or there would be overpopulation..but theres a limit you know?
i mean, why would you want to kill innocent animals for fun?
i just dont understand it.
ok well my rant is done for now
i hope people can see my point of view.

Current Mood: annoyed annoyed
Current Music: hands down-dashboard confessional

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so theres this guy right?of course...another guy..yeah well ok, i really liked him and i still do..and all of a sudden he tells me he has to tell me something im gonna be pis sed about for about forever..so he tells me he has a girlfriend. ok how exactly am i sposed to feel after hearing that? THEN he tells me hes gonna break it off cz he doesnt even think he really likes her and he wasnt thinking when he asked her out. oh oh oh, im sorry i forgot what he said before he told me "but wait before you go jump off your balcony and let me talk about it"yeahhh thanks.way to make a girl feel better about herself. really. jesus make it sound like i gave you the impression im suicidal. and you know its like, you lead me on and then drop me outta nowhere. i feel so used. im so pis sed right now too just cause he would sneak around and do this..and i feel kinda bad for his now exgirlfriend cz she really liked him..um, basically hes just a manw hore. and i feel kinda bad cz hes depressed right now cz hes got two girls who wanna kill him and who hate him. but honestly, i dont hate him. i dont think i ever could. i really really really like this guy but this hurts... i was kinda numb cz i didnt know what to do. i didnt know whether to cry or scream or hunt him down and kill him..and i mean, i feel bad and i still really like him but how can i trust him? he told me i could but i honestly dont think i can. im still pis sed because of what he did but my feelings towards him havent changed. i would still do anything to have his undivided attention for just five minutes. i would do anything to make sure hes always happy..but i guess i just cant do that.
so im kinda rambling by now but whatever. it seems like this happens nonstop..its a vicious cycle.
i'm happy for a short period of time and feel incredible and then something retarded like this happens and all of a sudden im depressed for a long period of time.

Current Location: i wish i were anywhere but here
Current Mood: pissed off pissed off
Current Music: Fall Out Boy..all the angry songs

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no i will not give up. ill keep on trying. all youve ever done is told me that i would never amount to anything, that i would never make it far.i suggest you shut your mouth before i run you out and if you dont youll be sorry. oh so sorry.all youve ever done is put all your pressure down on me until my point of breaking. have you ever thought of anyone else besides yourself?so take your apathy and watch me pack my bags. im leaving you today and im never coming back. no you havent won yet. no you have not. i may be outta here but one day i will get my revenge. ill rip out your voicebox so you can never speak to me again. i wont suffer from your abuse any longer. im finally stepping out and telling everyone what youre doing. i hear youre afraid of losing me..and guess what?youve already lost me. im long gone. say your last goodbyes and dont even bother with your last prayers cause they wont save you now

Current Mood: angry angry
Current Music: are you with me?-vaux

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